I'm done with my masquerade for now...
I let my mask fall to the ground and take my place among side Tantalus.
I reach out for the things I locked up behind my heart of stone and ice... and I set them free. Its good to let out... the one I've been hiding... my true self...fun, dark, full of malice.
----------
Speak to me, but I will not hear you.
I fear the parting had too great a cost.
I thought I could handle whatever fate threw me.
But I was wrong, and now I am lost...
----------
I await the day the rain comes down
And I can look up at the falling drops and smile...
No one can see my heart breaking...
No one can tell that I'm crying...
Alone in the rain... in the rain again.
----------
What did I do to deserve such punishment? Can I not be left alone? Is it that much fun to torment me... because I can do nothing about it...? Why... why . . .
You think you've gotten your life together. You've finally gotten it back on track, straightened it out... thought you understood finally... and then it hits you. You've been fooling yourself... and all it takes is one more traumatizing event to make you realize that you've been lying to yourself all this time.
Who do you think you are, trying to defy Fate and dodge what was meant to be? You aren't some god or goddess who can control the Fates with the flick of your wrist. No. You are a lowly human, no more worthy than an animal. You entertain the gods, keep them from getting bored.
You want to tip the scale in your favor? Well the other side of the scale will come back and hit you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For everything you do there is consequence. Like the law of equivalent exchange... like the law of karma... you do something, expect something else to follow.
What did I do? Why won't anyone answer?! Am I that pathetic that I'm not worth the time to even consider giving me a sign or an answer?! Am I that much of a push-over that the Fates can just toy with my life... lowly as it is... it's mine and it... I feel it... and I suffer from it...
I thought I could get out. You handed me the keys to my cage, just to have me walk into another... teasing me... making me think I could get out of my confinements... just to hurt me more.
You've made me who I am. Unstable. Confused. Hurt. Isolated. I pull back from others. I can't open up! You screwed me over! You fucked me up! I'm not even myself anymore! I've split personalities. I get mad, then the next thing I know, I'm fine, and I don't know what happened...
You give me nightmares. You torment me even while my mind is attempting to recover from your other tortures. You haunt me. Possess me.
I can hear you... laughing. A sick laugh... my ears are filled with it. It resounds through my head. I wake up confused! Where am I? Who the hell am I?!
I can feel the people around me... I've a gift of reading emotion...I just know ... but ... is that a reason for my suffering? Just one reason... even if it was made up... just to give me a reason would be good enough for me.
Just so I know that it isn't just a sick pleasure you get from watching me suffer needlessly...
You Fates toy with me now, but you set yourselves up for destruction. I've determination. You've forgotten that one thing... unless you're too bored with yourselves and wait for a challenge. Well, if that's what you're hoping for, you better damn well count on it.
For when I go to hell, I'll make sure to pay you Fates a visit. Determination has gotten me this far. Trust it to get me to where you are.
Had I not been given this undying need to prove you wrong, I'd have given up a long time ago. I'm betting that's what you were counting on. Well, you know what? F*** you all...
----------
Tears run down my face, only to fall into the still waters. It sends ripples of sorrow coursing across my wretched reflection... sends it though my body... across my soul. The wind blows softly 'gainst my wet cheek, calming, soothing. Let the moon shine upon my darkness... let the night caress.
Hear me and know, my fears and pains. If you don't go now, I won't be able to let go.
----------
Do my tears betray me?
What is this mess that I have become?
I cannot understand what people say.
If I am happy, why do they say I am crying?
If I am alright, why do they ask of my health?
Am I dying inside?
How long will it take you to realize that your mask no longer conceals you...
----------
((song))I close my eyes
And I can see
The day we met
Just one moment and I knew
You're my best friend
'Do anything
For you
We've gone so far
And done so much
And I feel
Like we've always been together
Right by my side
Through thick and thin
You're the part of my life
I'll always remember
The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I...
somehow, someday
We'd have to say goodbye.
You've helped me find
The strengh inside
And the courage
To make all my dreams come true
How will I find
Another friend
Like you
Two of a kind
That's what we are
And it seemed
Like we were always winning
But as our team
Is torn apart
I wish we could go
Back to the beginning
The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I...
Somehow, some way
We'd have to say goodbye.
Somehow today...
...we have to say goodbye
----------
((song))If there were many tears falling down,
Every heart would become gentle.
If everybody expresses what they think,
Every heart can be satisfied.
I was frightened by the neverending night,
So I prayed to the distant stars.
In endlessly repeating time,
We were searching for love,
Because we wanted to become stronger.
We look up to the faraway sky.
The two of us, smiling, meet here,
Every heart has a habit of receiving its dreams.
Sadness has no effect on us,
Every heart gains happiness when it flies.
Someday our souls will unite,
We will give peaceful approval.
In endlessly repeating time,
We know why we are living.
We go through the nighttime laughing,
Both of us are mourning, yet we walk on.
Memories of everything has settled,
This is a warm place to be.
The stars separate us from the future,
We are always so brilliant,
So shine.
In endlessly repeating time,
We were searching for love,
Because we wanted to become stronger.
We look up to the faraway sky.
In endlessly repeating time,
We know why we are living.
We go through the nighttime laughing,
Both of us are mourning, yet we walk on.
----------
I'm in a state of limbo... uneasy, apathetic, depressed... all at the same time lacking emotion or feeling on the negative end of the emotional scale.
Were those tears I woke with when I fell asleep in class today? What about last week? What will happen tomorrow? Will it be the same?
Can I not force that smile anymore... the same smile I've been putting on for years now...? Has my mask lost its effect? Does it not fool anyone anymore?
----------
I tried to mend the rift that opened that fateful day, but to no avail.
The dark hole drew out my strength and all hopes of achieving what was once a godsend. Now I'm fated to return to my dark depth of existence, to never feel the sun across my skin. It has begun, the consequences of hiding from the fate I knew was meant to be.
At least I don't have to accept another parting of this world; just a parting from my life.
----------
((song))The evening lights, coloring the nights busy avenues,
down the street brings back memories of you.
Now I am watching, as lovers pass me by,
finding your shadows, in the views of my eyes
Now I am here, all alone
Remembering the time we used to laugh together
in the fall of the cold
I still think of you,
Wondering if you feel the same
Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
Remember me and love me always
Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again
I'm so depressed living , a quiet life now,
There is no one here, in which to hold hands,
or protect me from the cold
Feeling like this loneliness will tear me apart
I am waiting and looking for you voice
To get me out of the dark
Snowflakes fall like the tears that running down my face
I wanna hold you just one more time
I think of you night and day
Wondering if you feel the same
Being in the silence of the night
Fall into my arms and I'll hold you so tight
My kiss will guide our missing hearts
and tell me you'll love again
Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
remember me and love me always
Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again
----------
What is love but an aching heart, yearning for attention? What is love but a puzzle, searching for it's missing piece? How can it be, that you complete me, and yet my heart knows better than I, that when the day comes, I will be left broken? How is it that the heart, so fragile and yet so strong, can shatter one too many times that it becomes impossible to repair? Mysteries that bind me . . . oh these mysteries of my past bind me still. Curse the man who claimed "history repeats itself" for it is all too true. To the one who controls my fate. . . I wish only to remove the pain I must have caused others in the past, for this is the only reason worth this punishment I must now endure.
- Caelium
----------
I'm drowning in life, no longer able to tread. The chains of my past weigh heavy upon me. Despite my desperate attempts to reach the shores of my future, the pressure is too much. I'm drifting, further and further away from my goals and wishes. If I turn back now, I might be able to go back to the beach from whence I began. . . or I can try and reach for the sands from across the waters, possibly drifting too far to ever return to my beginnings.
Let the waves crash down upon me. Let me sink with my bonds. If somehow I can manage to survive. . . if someone cannot save me. . . I shall drown
-Caelium
----
Tell me what this feeling is, this hole residing in my chest.
Why am I numb, lost, alone? Where are my feelings, where have they gone?
What truly matters anymore? Who do I turn to in this dream within dreams?
Hold me, embrace me, engulf me. . . help me feel again. Help me know, help me understand.
Help me mend this rift, break my bonds. . . help me tear away from this indifference.
Help me live again. Help me put this wandering soul to death. Sing to me, hear my whispered pleas.
Dream with me, dance with me. Pull me back into myself. Breathe emotion in me.
In the least, save me, deliver me. . . end my suffering lest I become the wandering, useless soul I fear I am now.
-Caelium
----------
You say you're weak, not worthy.
You breakdown when you're alone.
You're confused and hurt, you're fading.
But I know better, you are wrong.
You say you're not able, distraught.
You can't sleep when I'm away.
You long for comfort and warmth, a friend.
But I know better, you're wrong.
I am weak, not worthy.
I'm breaking up from inside.
I'm hurt and fading, lost and alone.
I know better. You're the strong one.
-Caelium
----------
What am I going to do? It feels like I'm two different people, in the least... subconscious and conscious... my conscious self being human, and my subconsious self... a demon... a devil... a monster. I fear having my emotions go out of control, because I know that every time I lose control over them, I can't control the monster in me.
I don't want to expose anyone to this creature. I've done my best to keep it hidden, and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't think I've had any one tame the creature... once it came out I just had to wait until it weakened and my normal self would take over again. And I don't even remember all of what happened when I was my other self... more reason to think I've two different sides. I do know that when I'm my subconsious self, I remember everything my conscious self does... Does that mean that... does it... does it mean that my real... my true self is really the one I'm suppressing. . . ? Could it be my true nature that I'm hiding...? Am I ... have I... what if this person I am... what if the fact that I've always put up a mask... what if it means I've created myself a new person... the embodiment of a mask... what if I am a mask...? The self I know now... the one typing this... the one thinking these thoughts... what if it's just the mask... what if I'm a mask?
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