Seems it took me nearly twenty years to finally understand what I’ve been doing, to finally understand where I am.
Life is an ocean. It’s vast, dangerous, and almost overwhelming at times. But it can also be enjoyable and calm when it wants to be. We’re all out there, out in the water. Some of us sink, while others of us swim out with blind faith that there is an island out in some direction.
As a child, I grew up with water. I practically lived in it - swimming lessons, beaches, backyard inflatable pools. I grew up and joined the swim team, then moved on to becoming a lifeguard. I thought I knew how to swim.
But things are different. I don’t know how to swim in life. I’ve been kicking and struggling to keep my head above the water, and all I’ve managed to do in these near twenty years of my life is to float. To drift. . .
It’s hard to watch everyone swim by you, never giving a second thought to help you out or lend a hand. Those that do don’t even know how to swim themselves, but they seem to offer their help regardless - maybe out of some feeling of obligation that they may have deep inside. Despite this, they still move on, leaving you alone in life.
I’ve come to a point in life where I need to make a choice. I can sink, I can swim, or I can continue to drift in hopes that I’ll somehow get thrown a lifesaver. I want to swim. I want to be able to learn to pull my own weight, then be able to pull the weight of others.
I want to be a true lifeguard. I want to be able to save people - lend them the hand that I wished I had gotten when I was lost. I want to be more than just “all talk”. I want to swim.
Life is tough. There is no doubt in my mind that this is some sort of trial, if not punishment. It’s meant to test us, challenge us, make us want to breakdown or quit. No one ever said it was going to be easy. We just take things like that for granted. I don’t anymore.
If it takes me the rest of my life to learn to swim, I’ll continue to learn gladly. And when I do learn to swim, I’ll help others out - teach them to swim as I do. Then I’ll swim out into the direction that feels right to me, knowing that there is an island waiting for me when I finish my set distance.
Never give up.
Live.
Swim.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Therianthropy
What is a therian?
Therianthropy, or Zoanthropy, refers basically to 'the metamorphosis of humans into other animals'. The word comes from the Greek word therion, meaning "wild animal" or "beast", and anthropos, meaning"human being". The word was used to refer to animal transformation folklore of Europe and Asia. It is also used to describe a spiritual belief in animal transformation.
Words such as hybrids, shapeshifting, lycanthropy, and 'were' are often thought of when therianthropy is involved.
Therianthropy is currently considered a subculture of people who feel they are part animal, usually in a spiritual sense. They use words such as lycanthrope to describe those of them who have a spiritual connection to the wolf. This is not to say that they believe they become werewolves during the full moon.
Otherkin is another subculture, closely related to therians. Otherkin, like therians, have a spiritual connection to something non-human, however, they hold connections to mythical creatures and animals, such as the fae, unicorns, and even vamipres.
Shaman and totems are closely related to therianthropy as well. Whereas therians feel they have animal spirits, or an animal soul, totems are themselves animal spirits that serve as guardians. It is common to have multiple totems, but not so common to have many different animal souls, though it's not unheard of to have connections to more than one animal.
Therianthropy, or Zoanthropy, refers basically to 'the metamorphosis of humans into other animals'. The word comes from the Greek word therion, meaning "wild animal" or "beast", and anthropos, meaning"human being". The word was used to refer to animal transformation folklore of Europe and Asia. It is also used to describe a spiritual belief in animal transformation.
Words such as hybrids, shapeshifting, lycanthropy, and 'were' are often thought of when therianthropy is involved.
Therianthropy is currently considered a subculture of people who feel they are part animal, usually in a spiritual sense. They use words such as lycanthrope to describe those of them who have a spiritual connection to the wolf. This is not to say that they believe they become werewolves during the full moon.
Otherkin is another subculture, closely related to therians. Otherkin, like therians, have a spiritual connection to something non-human, however, they hold connections to mythical creatures and animals, such as the fae, unicorns, and even vamipres.
Shaman and totems are closely related to therianthropy as well. Whereas therians feel they have animal spirits, or an animal soul, totems are themselves animal spirits that serve as guardians. It is common to have multiple totems, but not so common to have many different animal souls, though it's not unheard of to have connections to more than one animal.
Out of Character and Still Myself ((23 September 2007))
I'm done with my masquerade for now...
I let my mask fall to the ground and take my place among side Tantalus.
I reach out for the things I locked up behind my heart of stone and ice... and I set them free. Its good to let out... the one I've been hiding... my true self...fun, dark, full of malice.
----------
Speak to me, but I will not hear you.
I fear the parting had too great a cost.
I thought I could handle whatever fate threw me.
But I was wrong, and now I am lost...
----------
I await the day the rain comes down
And I can look up at the falling drops and smile...
No one can see my heart breaking...
No one can tell that I'm crying...
Alone in the rain... in the rain again.
----------
What did I do to deserve such punishment? Can I not be left alone? Is it that much fun to torment me... because I can do nothing about it...? Why... why . . .
You think you've gotten your life together. You've finally gotten it back on track, straightened it out... thought you understood finally... and then it hits you. You've been fooling yourself... and all it takes is one more traumatizing event to make you realize that you've been lying to yourself all this time.
Who do you think you are, trying to defy Fate and dodge what was meant to be? You aren't some god or goddess who can control the Fates with the flick of your wrist. No. You are a lowly human, no more worthy than an animal. You entertain the gods, keep them from getting bored.
You want to tip the scale in your favor? Well the other side of the scale will come back and hit you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For everything you do there is consequence. Like the law of equivalent exchange... like the law of karma... you do something, expect something else to follow.
What did I do? Why won't anyone answer?! Am I that pathetic that I'm not worth the time to even consider giving me a sign or an answer?! Am I that much of a push-over that the Fates can just toy with my life... lowly as it is... it's mine and it... I feel it... and I suffer from it...
I thought I could get out. You handed me the keys to my cage, just to have me walk into another... teasing me... making me think I could get out of my confinements... just to hurt me more.
You've made me who I am. Unstable. Confused. Hurt. Isolated. I pull back from others. I can't open up! You screwed me over! You fucked me up! I'm not even myself anymore! I've split personalities. I get mad, then the next thing I know, I'm fine, and I don't know what happened...
You give me nightmares. You torment me even while my mind is attempting to recover from your other tortures. You haunt me. Possess me.
I can hear you... laughing. A sick laugh... my ears are filled with it. It resounds through my head. I wake up confused! Where am I? Who the hell am I?!
I can feel the people around me... I've a gift of reading emotion...I just know ... but ... is that a reason for my suffering? Just one reason... even if it was made up... just to give me a reason would be good enough for me.
Just so I know that it isn't just a sick pleasure you get from watching me suffer needlessly...
You Fates toy with me now, but you set yourselves up for destruction. I've determination. You've forgotten that one thing... unless you're too bored with yourselves and wait for a challenge. Well, if that's what you're hoping for, you better damn well count on it.
For when I go to hell, I'll make sure to pay you Fates a visit. Determination has gotten me this far. Trust it to get me to where you are.
Had I not been given this undying need to prove you wrong, I'd have given up a long time ago. I'm betting that's what you were counting on. Well, you know what? F*** you all...
----------
Tears run down my face, only to fall into the still waters. It sends ripples of sorrow coursing across my wretched reflection... sends it though my body... across my soul. The wind blows softly 'gainst my wet cheek, calming, soothing. Let the moon shine upon my darkness... let the night caress.
Hear me and know, my fears and pains. If you don't go now, I won't be able to let go.
----------
Do my tears betray me?
What is this mess that I have become?
I cannot understand what people say.
If I am happy, why do they say I am crying?
If I am alright, why do they ask of my health?
Am I dying inside?
How long will it take you to realize that your mask no longer conceals you...
----------
((song))I close my eyes
And I can see
The day we met
Just one moment and I knew
You're my best friend
'Do anything
For you
We've gone so far
And done so much
And I feel
Like we've always been together
Right by my side
Through thick and thin
You're the part of my life
I'll always remember
The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I...
somehow, someday
We'd have to say goodbye.
You've helped me find
The strengh inside
And the courage
To make all my dreams come true
How will I find
Another friend
Like you
Two of a kind
That's what we are
And it seemed
Like we were always winning
But as our team
Is torn apart
I wish we could go
Back to the beginning
The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I...
Somehow, some way
We'd have to say goodbye.
Somehow today...
...we have to say goodbye
----------
((song))If there were many tears falling down,
Every heart would become gentle.
If everybody expresses what they think,
Every heart can be satisfied.
I was frightened by the neverending night,
So I prayed to the distant stars.
In endlessly repeating time,
We were searching for love,
Because we wanted to become stronger.
We look up to the faraway sky.
The two of us, smiling, meet here,
Every heart has a habit of receiving its dreams.
Sadness has no effect on us,
Every heart gains happiness when it flies.
Someday our souls will unite,
We will give peaceful approval.
In endlessly repeating time,
We know why we are living.
We go through the nighttime laughing,
Both of us are mourning, yet we walk on.
Memories of everything has settled,
This is a warm place to be.
The stars separate us from the future,
We are always so brilliant,
So shine.
In endlessly repeating time,
We were searching for love,
Because we wanted to become stronger.
We look up to the faraway sky.
In endlessly repeating time,
We know why we are living.
We go through the nighttime laughing,
Both of us are mourning, yet we walk on.
----------
I'm in a state of limbo... uneasy, apathetic, depressed... all at the same time lacking emotion or feeling on the negative end of the emotional scale.
Were those tears I woke with when I fell asleep in class today? What about last week? What will happen tomorrow? Will it be the same?
Can I not force that smile anymore... the same smile I've been putting on for years now...? Has my mask lost its effect? Does it not fool anyone anymore?
----------
I tried to mend the rift that opened that fateful day, but to no avail.
The dark hole drew out my strength and all hopes of achieving what was once a godsend. Now I'm fated to return to my dark depth of existence, to never feel the sun across my skin. It has begun, the consequences of hiding from the fate I knew was meant to be.
At least I don't have to accept another parting of this world; just a parting from my life.
----------
((song))The evening lights, coloring the nights busy avenues,
down the street brings back memories of you.
Now I am watching, as lovers pass me by,
finding your shadows, in the views of my eyes
Now I am here, all alone
Remembering the time we used to laugh together
in the fall of the cold
I still think of you,
Wondering if you feel the same
Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
Remember me and love me always
Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again
I'm so depressed living , a quiet life now,
There is no one here, in which to hold hands,
or protect me from the cold
Feeling like this loneliness will tear me apart
I am waiting and looking for you voice
To get me out of the dark
Snowflakes fall like the tears that running down my face
I wanna hold you just one more time
I think of you night and day
Wondering if you feel the same
Being in the silence of the night
Fall into my arms and I'll hold you so tight
My kiss will guide our missing hearts
and tell me you'll love again
Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
remember me and love me always
Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again
----------
What is love but an aching heart, yearning for attention? What is love but a puzzle, searching for it's missing piece? How can it be, that you complete me, and yet my heart knows better than I, that when the day comes, I will be left broken? How is it that the heart, so fragile and yet so strong, can shatter one too many times that it becomes impossible to repair? Mysteries that bind me . . . oh these mysteries of my past bind me still. Curse the man who claimed "history repeats itself" for it is all too true. To the one who controls my fate. . . I wish only to remove the pain I must have caused others in the past, for this is the only reason worth this punishment I must now endure.
- Caelium
----------
I'm drowning in life, no longer able to tread. The chains of my past weigh heavy upon me. Despite my desperate attempts to reach the shores of my future, the pressure is too much. I'm drifting, further and further away from my goals and wishes. If I turn back now, I might be able to go back to the beach from whence I began. . . or I can try and reach for the sands from across the waters, possibly drifting too far to ever return to my beginnings.
Let the waves crash down upon me. Let me sink with my bonds. If somehow I can manage to survive. . . if someone cannot save me. . . I shall drown
-Caelium
----
Tell me what this feeling is, this hole residing in my chest.
Why am I numb, lost, alone? Where are my feelings, where have they gone?
What truly matters anymore? Who do I turn to in this dream within dreams?
Hold me, embrace me, engulf me. . . help me feel again. Help me know, help me understand.
Help me mend this rift, break my bonds. . . help me tear away from this indifference.
Help me live again. Help me put this wandering soul to death. Sing to me, hear my whispered pleas.
Dream with me, dance with me. Pull me back into myself. Breathe emotion in me.
In the least, save me, deliver me. . . end my suffering lest I become the wandering, useless soul I fear I am now.
-Caelium
----------
You say you're weak, not worthy.
You breakdown when you're alone.
You're confused and hurt, you're fading.
But I know better, you are wrong.
You say you're not able, distraught.
You can't sleep when I'm away.
You long for comfort and warmth, a friend.
But I know better, you're wrong.
I am weak, not worthy.
I'm breaking up from inside.
I'm hurt and fading, lost and alone.
I know better. You're the strong one.
-Caelium
----------
What am I going to do? It feels like I'm two different people, in the least... subconscious and conscious... my conscious self being human, and my subconsious self... a demon... a devil... a monster. I fear having my emotions go out of control, because I know that every time I lose control over them, I can't control the monster in me.
I don't want to expose anyone to this creature. I've done my best to keep it hidden, and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't think I've had any one tame the creature... once it came out I just had to wait until it weakened and my normal self would take over again. And I don't even remember all of what happened when I was my other self... more reason to think I've two different sides. I do know that when I'm my subconsious self, I remember everything my conscious self does... Does that mean that... does it... does it mean that my real... my true self is really the one I'm suppressing. . . ? Could it be my true nature that I'm hiding...? Am I ... have I... what if this person I am... what if the fact that I've always put up a mask... what if it means I've created myself a new person... the embodiment of a mask... what if I am a mask...? The self I know now... the one typing this... the one thinking these thoughts... what if it's just the mask... what if I'm a mask?
I let my mask fall to the ground and take my place among side Tantalus.
I reach out for the things I locked up behind my heart of stone and ice... and I set them free. Its good to let out... the one I've been hiding... my true self...fun, dark, full of malice.
----------
Speak to me, but I will not hear you.
I fear the parting had too great a cost.
I thought I could handle whatever fate threw me.
But I was wrong, and now I am lost...
----------
I await the day the rain comes down
And I can look up at the falling drops and smile...
No one can see my heart breaking...
No one can tell that I'm crying...
Alone in the rain... in the rain again.
----------
What did I do to deserve such punishment? Can I not be left alone? Is it that much fun to torment me... because I can do nothing about it...? Why... why . . .
You think you've gotten your life together. You've finally gotten it back on track, straightened it out... thought you understood finally... and then it hits you. You've been fooling yourself... and all it takes is one more traumatizing event to make you realize that you've been lying to yourself all this time.
Who do you think you are, trying to defy Fate and dodge what was meant to be? You aren't some god or goddess who can control the Fates with the flick of your wrist. No. You are a lowly human, no more worthy than an animal. You entertain the gods, keep them from getting bored.
You want to tip the scale in your favor? Well the other side of the scale will come back and hit you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For everything you do there is consequence. Like the law of equivalent exchange... like the law of karma... you do something, expect something else to follow.
What did I do? Why won't anyone answer?! Am I that pathetic that I'm not worth the time to even consider giving me a sign or an answer?! Am I that much of a push-over that the Fates can just toy with my life... lowly as it is... it's mine and it... I feel it... and I suffer from it...
I thought I could get out. You handed me the keys to my cage, just to have me walk into another... teasing me... making me think I could get out of my confinements... just to hurt me more.
You've made me who I am. Unstable. Confused. Hurt. Isolated. I pull back from others. I can't open up! You screwed me over! You fucked me up! I'm not even myself anymore! I've split personalities. I get mad, then the next thing I know, I'm fine, and I don't know what happened...
You give me nightmares. You torment me even while my mind is attempting to recover from your other tortures. You haunt me. Possess me.
I can hear you... laughing. A sick laugh... my ears are filled with it. It resounds through my head. I wake up confused! Where am I? Who the hell am I?!
I can feel the people around me... I've a gift of reading emotion...I just know ... but ... is that a reason for my suffering? Just one reason... even if it was made up... just to give me a reason would be good enough for me.
Just so I know that it isn't just a sick pleasure you get from watching me suffer needlessly...
You Fates toy with me now, but you set yourselves up for destruction. I've determination. You've forgotten that one thing... unless you're too bored with yourselves and wait for a challenge. Well, if that's what you're hoping for, you better damn well count on it.
For when I go to hell, I'll make sure to pay you Fates a visit. Determination has gotten me this far. Trust it to get me to where you are.
Had I not been given this undying need to prove you wrong, I'd have given up a long time ago. I'm betting that's what you were counting on. Well, you know what? F*** you all...
----------
Tears run down my face, only to fall into the still waters. It sends ripples of sorrow coursing across my wretched reflection... sends it though my body... across my soul. The wind blows softly 'gainst my wet cheek, calming, soothing. Let the moon shine upon my darkness... let the night caress.
Hear me and know, my fears and pains. If you don't go now, I won't be able to let go.
----------
Do my tears betray me?
What is this mess that I have become?
I cannot understand what people say.
If I am happy, why do they say I am crying?
If I am alright, why do they ask of my health?
Am I dying inside?
How long will it take you to realize that your mask no longer conceals you...
----------
((song))I close my eyes
And I can see
The day we met
Just one moment and I knew
You're my best friend
'Do anything
For you
We've gone so far
And done so much
And I feel
Like we've always been together
Right by my side
Through thick and thin
You're the part of my life
I'll always remember
The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I...
somehow, someday
We'd have to say goodbye.
You've helped me find
The strengh inside
And the courage
To make all my dreams come true
How will I find
Another friend
Like you
Two of a kind
That's what we are
And it seemed
Like we were always winning
But as our team
Is torn apart
I wish we could go
Back to the beginning
The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I...
Somehow, some way
We'd have to say goodbye.
Somehow today...
...we have to say goodbye
----------
((song))If there were many tears falling down,
Every heart would become gentle.
If everybody expresses what they think,
Every heart can be satisfied.
I was frightened by the neverending night,
So I prayed to the distant stars.
In endlessly repeating time,
We were searching for love,
Because we wanted to become stronger.
We look up to the faraway sky.
The two of us, smiling, meet here,
Every heart has a habit of receiving its dreams.
Sadness has no effect on us,
Every heart gains happiness when it flies.
Someday our souls will unite,
We will give peaceful approval.
In endlessly repeating time,
We know why we are living.
We go through the nighttime laughing,
Both of us are mourning, yet we walk on.
Memories of everything has settled,
This is a warm place to be.
The stars separate us from the future,
We are always so brilliant,
So shine.
In endlessly repeating time,
We were searching for love,
Because we wanted to become stronger.
We look up to the faraway sky.
In endlessly repeating time,
We know why we are living.
We go through the nighttime laughing,
Both of us are mourning, yet we walk on.
----------
I'm in a state of limbo... uneasy, apathetic, depressed... all at the same time lacking emotion or feeling on the negative end of the emotional scale.
Were those tears I woke with when I fell asleep in class today? What about last week? What will happen tomorrow? Will it be the same?
Can I not force that smile anymore... the same smile I've been putting on for years now...? Has my mask lost its effect? Does it not fool anyone anymore?
----------
I tried to mend the rift that opened that fateful day, but to no avail.
The dark hole drew out my strength and all hopes of achieving what was once a godsend. Now I'm fated to return to my dark depth of existence, to never feel the sun across my skin. It has begun, the consequences of hiding from the fate I knew was meant to be.
At least I don't have to accept another parting of this world; just a parting from my life.
----------
((song))The evening lights, coloring the nights busy avenues,
down the street brings back memories of you.
Now I am watching, as lovers pass me by,
finding your shadows, in the views of my eyes
Now I am here, all alone
Remembering the time we used to laugh together
in the fall of the cold
I still think of you,
Wondering if you feel the same
Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
Remember me and love me always
Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again
I'm so depressed living , a quiet life now,
There is no one here, in which to hold hands,
or protect me from the cold
Feeling like this loneliness will tear me apart
I am waiting and looking for you voice
To get me out of the dark
Snowflakes fall like the tears that running down my face
I wanna hold you just one more time
I think of you night and day
Wondering if you feel the same
Being in the silence of the night
Fall into my arms and I'll hold you so tight
My kiss will guide our missing hearts
and tell me you'll love again
Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
remember me and love me always
Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again
----------
What is love but an aching heart, yearning for attention? What is love but a puzzle, searching for it's missing piece? How can it be, that you complete me, and yet my heart knows better than I, that when the day comes, I will be left broken? How is it that the heart, so fragile and yet so strong, can shatter one too many times that it becomes impossible to repair? Mysteries that bind me . . . oh these mysteries of my past bind me still. Curse the man who claimed "history repeats itself" for it is all too true. To the one who controls my fate. . . I wish only to remove the pain I must have caused others in the past, for this is the only reason worth this punishment I must now endure.
- Caelium
----------
I'm drowning in life, no longer able to tread. The chains of my past weigh heavy upon me. Despite my desperate attempts to reach the shores of my future, the pressure is too much. I'm drifting, further and further away from my goals and wishes. If I turn back now, I might be able to go back to the beach from whence I began. . . or I can try and reach for the sands from across the waters, possibly drifting too far to ever return to my beginnings.
Let the waves crash down upon me. Let me sink with my bonds. If somehow I can manage to survive. . . if someone cannot save me. . . I shall drown
-Caelium
----
Tell me what this feeling is, this hole residing in my chest.
Why am I numb, lost, alone? Where are my feelings, where have they gone?
What truly matters anymore? Who do I turn to in this dream within dreams?
Hold me, embrace me, engulf me. . . help me feel again. Help me know, help me understand.
Help me mend this rift, break my bonds. . . help me tear away from this indifference.
Help me live again. Help me put this wandering soul to death. Sing to me, hear my whispered pleas.
Dream with me, dance with me. Pull me back into myself. Breathe emotion in me.
In the least, save me, deliver me. . . end my suffering lest I become the wandering, useless soul I fear I am now.
-Caelium
----------
You say you're weak, not worthy.
You breakdown when you're alone.
You're confused and hurt, you're fading.
But I know better, you are wrong.
You say you're not able, distraught.
You can't sleep when I'm away.
You long for comfort and warmth, a friend.
But I know better, you're wrong.
I am weak, not worthy.
I'm breaking up from inside.
I'm hurt and fading, lost and alone.
I know better. You're the strong one.
-Caelium
----------
What am I going to do? It feels like I'm two different people, in the least... subconscious and conscious... my conscious self being human, and my subconsious self... a demon... a devil... a monster. I fear having my emotions go out of control, because I know that every time I lose control over them, I can't control the monster in me.
I don't want to expose anyone to this creature. I've done my best to keep it hidden, and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't think I've had any one tame the creature... once it came out I just had to wait until it weakened and my normal self would take over again. And I don't even remember all of what happened when I was my other self... more reason to think I've two different sides. I do know that when I'm my subconsious self, I remember everything my conscious self does... Does that mean that... does it... does it mean that my real... my true self is really the one I'm suppressing. . . ? Could it be my true nature that I'm hiding...? Am I ... have I... what if this person I am... what if the fact that I've always put up a mask... what if it means I've created myself a new person... the embodiment of a mask... what if I am a mask...? The self I know now... the one typing this... the one thinking these thoughts... what if it's just the mask... what if I'm a mask?
Ouroboros
Ouroboros
--------------------
There I slept.
Before me in the realm between consciousness and death, he
approached me on four silent columns of black that
rose to attach to his large dark frame
Great creature of the gods –
How the eyes shone like brilliant flames and the deep
heavy breathing beat like drums. The ground cracked,
cracked beneath
Keeper of the pearl –
The black scales gleamed like a million tiny mirrors in a
million tiny dark rooms
reflecting the only source of light
Guardian of gold –
His think mane of blood light as feathers;
tender to the touch, and two crimson horns
as majestic as any crown
Wielder of fire –
I placed a hand on the silk soft outer skin of the
claw; with five sharpened blades that could
cut through to the soul
Treader of dreams –
With wide wings we went, he took to
the skies and flew to the wolfs domain
And there I slept.
--------------------
There I slept.
Before me in the realm between consciousness and death, he
approached me on four silent columns of black that
rose to attach to his large dark frame
Great creature of the gods –
How the eyes shone like brilliant flames and the deep
heavy breathing beat like drums. The ground cracked,
cracked beneath
Keeper of the pearl –
The black scales gleamed like a million tiny mirrors in a
million tiny dark rooms
reflecting the only source of light
Guardian of gold –
His think mane of blood light as feathers;
tender to the touch, and two crimson horns
as majestic as any crown
Wielder of fire –
I placed a hand on the silk soft outer skin of the
claw; with five sharpened blades that could
cut through to the soul
Treader of dreams –
With wide wings we went, he took to
the skies and flew to the wolfs domain
And there I slept.
Your Crosses Do Not Scorch My Skin
In ancient day there’d been no cause -
Though all beliefs did have their flaws -
For persecution of those who kept
With Hera , Zeus; Osirus, and Seth.
But in fourth century Rome did fall,
With Christianity embraced by all.
Constantine had opporutunity,
With that religion came unity.
His empire then soon did spread,
And thus began the armies led
On crusades and holy wars.
Ancient ways were naught but lore.
Those new beliefs stand right today,
Brought on by strict Puritan way
Of burning witches at the stake
Or drowning pagans in the lake.
Like Count Vlad or lycan kind,
The wiccan kin are in a bind.
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live,
So says the phrase the bible gives.
We do not follow on Satan’s path.
Nor do we try to invoke the wrath
Of other beliefs - no angry mass
Of short men with gold and green hats.
We seem so scarce, uncommon and rare.
But in fact we’ve always been there.
The eclectic, the were, and otherkin,
The heathen, the shaman and therian.
We seek a refuge, we seek a truce.
But yet we turn to face the noose.
So instead we will seek to show
The truth behind the ‘truth’ you know.
Before the Order, before the Plague -
Before the bible was ever made,
Bards and vates and druids were plenty.
Ares and Balder and Lug were godly.
To will, to know, to dare, to keep. . .
Strength, and truth. . .generosity.
Virtues to follow and codes to drill.
To live and to love and not to kill.
To respect nature and not to gloat
So from the wiccan rede I quote:
“These eight words the rede fulfill
An ye harm none, do what ye will.”
Though all beliefs did have their flaws -
For persecution of those who kept
With Hera , Zeus; Osirus, and Seth.
But in fourth century Rome did fall,
With Christianity embraced by all.
Constantine had opporutunity,
With that religion came unity.
His empire then soon did spread,
And thus began the armies led
On crusades and holy wars.
Ancient ways were naught but lore.
Those new beliefs stand right today,
Brought on by strict Puritan way
Of burning witches at the stake
Or drowning pagans in the lake.
Like Count Vlad or lycan kind,
The wiccan kin are in a bind.
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live,
So says the phrase the bible gives.
We do not follow on Satan’s path.
Nor do we try to invoke the wrath
Of other beliefs - no angry mass
Of short men with gold and green hats.
We seem so scarce, uncommon and rare.
But in fact we’ve always been there.
The eclectic, the were, and otherkin,
The heathen, the shaman and therian.
We seek a refuge, we seek a truce.
But yet we turn to face the noose.
So instead we will seek to show
The truth behind the ‘truth’ you know.
Before the Order, before the Plague -
Before the bible was ever made,
Bards and vates and druids were plenty.
Ares and Balder and Lug were godly.
To will, to know, to dare, to keep. . .
Strength, and truth. . .generosity.
Virtues to follow and codes to drill.
To live and to love and not to kill.
To respect nature and not to gloat
So from the wiccan rede I quote:
“These eight words the rede fulfill
An ye harm none, do what ye will.”
Pomegranate
Pomegranate
I gave my heart to you – a pomegranate in your hands.
I peeled back its hardened exterior to bear my soul.
And you stabbed it.
Pierced it with a blade of your words; the bitter cold
smile on your face as its red juices
spilled out.
My blood is on your hands.
Yet you drink up the sweet nectar to coat your throat with my pain.
You breathe in the delightful fragrance and think of berries
and jam.
I’m dying now.
My heart is nothing more than a snack to you. The silent
popping of seeds in your mouth sound in my empty chest.
Persephone cry for me.
My heart – the forbidden fruit. You spit out the seeds
and ingest my flesh. I stand broken at the altar. A hole in my chest.
The pomegranate on the floor.
I gave my heart to you – a pomegranate in your hands.
I peeled back its hardened exterior to bear my soul.
And you stabbed it.
Pierced it with a blade of your words; the bitter cold
smile on your face as its red juices
spilled out.
My blood is on your hands.
Yet you drink up the sweet nectar to coat your throat with my pain.
You breathe in the delightful fragrance and think of berries
and jam.
I’m dying now.
My heart is nothing more than a snack to you. The silent
popping of seeds in your mouth sound in my empty chest.
Persephone cry for me.
My heart – the forbidden fruit. You spit out the seeds
and ingest my flesh. I stand broken at the altar. A hole in my chest.
The pomegranate on the floor.
Ex Libris: Al Mulo –
He’s no Child of Judas –
An only child, pale with
His hair long and black,
Tied up so it pools along his collar . . .
Nor when he takes his walks through the family
Cemetery out back
Does he stop to count the
Oats and carrot seeds.
Upon the wall, the good Lord de Lioncourt and de Pointe du Lac elegantly
Pose, framed in a
Shining gold with embedded
Jade.
The antique hand mirror lies on the foot stool
Tarnished from use.
He sits in the library, von Kleist in hand, and Lamia at his
Feet – the lax calico winding in circles before the
Peat-fueled fire.
Sir Richard Burton
Sits
Besides Hans Heinz
Ewer, John Polidori, Leonard Wolf,
And a fallen over – first edition – of the great
Abraham Stoker on the 17th century secretary.
He’s no Gilles Garnier, though his therian charm and otherkin
Beliefs do cast some shadows on his name.
The display case in the sun holds mallets and teeth
…iron collars and
Ropes, and other necessities
For those who aspire to be a Jonathan Harker.
And though he may partake in the occasional reading of Kipling and Keats or Byron and Burger – or
Indulge in
A nightly viewing of Captain Kronos or Ganja and Hess
He still eats his favorite garlic chicken – and
Lemon - off his polished silver forks.
He’s no Vacher, an Antoine Leger, nor relation of
Tepes, though he speaks his
Romanian and Gaelic as he does his
English and French – like a scholar of languages
Who’s had lifetimes to perfect.
He wields no
Berserker
But does ride at sunset on the gallant
Upior – the aging Palomino who’s horseshoes are crusted with tar and trampled thorns.
He enjoys the nightly stroll around the grounds, but he’s no nightwalker –
Just a modern Lavater with a taste for life’s crimson elixer and a love
Of the Ancient Ones.
An only child, pale with
His hair long and black,
Tied up so it pools along his collar . . .
Nor when he takes his walks through the family
Cemetery out back
Does he stop to count the
Oats and carrot seeds.
Upon the wall, the good Lord de Lioncourt and de Pointe du Lac elegantly
Pose, framed in a
Shining gold with embedded
Jade.
The antique hand mirror lies on the foot stool
Tarnished from use.
He sits in the library, von Kleist in hand, and Lamia at his
Feet – the lax calico winding in circles before the
Peat-fueled fire.
Sir Richard Burton
Sits
Besides Hans Heinz
Ewer, John Polidori, Leonard Wolf,
And a fallen over – first edition – of the great
Abraham Stoker on the 17th century secretary.
He’s no Gilles Garnier, though his therian charm and otherkin
Beliefs do cast some shadows on his name.
The display case in the sun holds mallets and teeth
…iron collars and
Ropes, and other necessities
For those who aspire to be a Jonathan Harker.
And though he may partake in the occasional reading of Kipling and Keats or Byron and Burger – or
Indulge in
A nightly viewing of Captain Kronos or Ganja and Hess
He still eats his favorite garlic chicken – and
Lemon - off his polished silver forks.
He’s no Vacher, an Antoine Leger, nor relation of
Tepes, though he speaks his
Romanian and Gaelic as he does his
English and French – like a scholar of languages
Who’s had lifetimes to perfect.
He wields no
Berserker
But does ride at sunset on the gallant
Upior – the aging Palomino who’s horseshoes are crusted with tar and trampled thorns.
He enjoys the nightly stroll around the grounds, but he’s no nightwalker –
Just a modern Lavater with a taste for life’s crimson elixer and a love
Of the Ancient Ones.
Apocalypse
Apocalypse
The horsemen ride tonight, my friend, for pounds of flesh and salt.
You best be on your way, good friend, this blood is not your fault.
The blade of judgement’s here, poor friend, I will not be the last.
The light is in the sky, sad friend, escape ‘fore dark is cast.
Their arrows do fly straight, true friend. Death comes from these beasts.
Don’t let it be your end, dear friend, now leave me here in – ugh!
Before you go, I’ll say to you, beware the yellow shield.
Don’t cross the roads, drink only rum, and to the rivers, yield.
Beware the black, beware the sword. Beware the hounds of lore.
When the raven crows three times, answer not your door.
Lockley’s safe, but you’re not.
Out of sight. Don’t get caught.
Run away. Go free.
Goodbye, God speed.
The horsemen ride tonight, my friend, for pounds of flesh and salt.
You best be on your way, good friend, this blood is not your fault.
The blade of judgement’s here, poor friend, I will not be the last.
The light is in the sky, sad friend, escape ‘fore dark is cast.
Their arrows do fly straight, true friend. Death comes from these beasts.
Don’t let it be your end, dear friend, now leave me here in – ugh!
Before you go, I’ll say to you, beware the yellow shield.
Don’t cross the roads, drink only rum, and to the rivers, yield.
Beware the black, beware the sword. Beware the hounds of lore.
When the raven crows three times, answer not your door.
Lockley’s safe, but you’re not.
Out of sight. Don’t get caught.
Run away. Go free.
Goodbye, God speed.
Fionn mc Cumhaill*
Fionn mc Cumhaill*
Great kingdom atop far Hill of Teamhair,
Whose fate was to burn on Samhain** day.
Naught but ash was left; ruins lay
In castles stead. Only smoke filled air,
Whence Aillen come to prance and play.
Yet who should happen but Finn McCool,
Upon the wrath of this underworld fear –
With sharp wit and poisoned spear
Brought to end the faery’s dark rule.
The song had ceased for far and near.
What gods hath suffered in wait for the throne
To be sat upon by only the greatest, and he alone?
* Gaelic for the more common Finn McCool
**All Hallow’s Eve, Halloween
Great kingdom atop far Hill of Teamhair,
Whose fate was to burn on Samhain** day.
Naught but ash was left; ruins lay
In castles stead. Only smoke filled air,
Whence Aillen come to prance and play.
Yet who should happen but Finn McCool,
Upon the wrath of this underworld fear –
With sharp wit and poisoned spear
Brought to end the faery’s dark rule.
The song had ceased for far and near.
What gods hath suffered in wait for the throne
To be sat upon by only the greatest, and he alone?
* Gaelic for the more common Finn McCool
**All Hallow’s Eve, Halloween
Sonnet to Satan
Sonnet to Satan
I’ve toyed with a dangerous thing
And stumbled into a second firey pit.
Lost souls cry out; their cries take wing
As I pass them by. They throw a fit.
I wander aimlessly; cold, tense, blind
But not to the horrors around me.
I search, a gate and way I must find
In order to free myself from this devilry.
Avast! I find the dark ruler of the land
Clawing blood red streaks ‘cross bleached white.
I step forward, an inch, to voice my demands
Of release. The demon laughs in sickened delight.
It replies: “Your soul to hell, be cast”
Whence I ask of it: “Satan, let me pass!”
I’ve toyed with a dangerous thing
And stumbled into a second firey pit.
Lost souls cry out; their cries take wing
As I pass them by. They throw a fit.
I wander aimlessly; cold, tense, blind
But not to the horrors around me.
I search, a gate and way I must find
In order to free myself from this devilry.
Avast! I find the dark ruler of the land
Clawing blood red streaks ‘cross bleached white.
I step forward, an inch, to voice my demands
Of release. The demon laughs in sickened delight.
It replies: “Your soul to hell, be cast”
Whence I ask of it: “Satan, let me pass!”
A Subtle Time Bomb [9/20/04]
A Subtle Time Bomb [9/20/04]
--------------------
I’m dangerous, shy, and thoughtful.
But I’m a subtle time bomb.
Absorbing all, holding back,
The trigger: something small.
Will it be my anger, a rage so strong and great?
Or will it be my sadness, or will it be my hate?
Will it be confusion, with dizziness and pain?
Which ever it may be, no doubt, I’ll surely go insane!
I sit and wait in silence.
I seem so kind and soft.
But in truth, I’m just a bomb,
Waiting to go off.
--------------------
I’m dangerous, shy, and thoughtful.
But I’m a subtle time bomb.
Absorbing all, holding back,
The trigger: something small.
Will it be my anger, a rage so strong and great?
Or will it be my sadness, or will it be my hate?
Will it be confusion, with dizziness and pain?
Which ever it may be, no doubt, I’ll surely go insane!
I sit and wait in silence.
I seem so kind and soft.
But in truth, I’m just a bomb,
Waiting to go off.
Part Aries, Part Taurus [9/16/04]
Part Aries, Part Taurus [9/16/04]
------------------------
I want to be in charge;
To be serious but fool around.
To hide and seek in cavern creeks,
Fly high above the ground.
But the bull in me says different.
Be stubborn and think much.
My heart surrounded by hard rock;
Only the ram in me can touch.
------------------------
I want to be in charge;
To be serious but fool around.
To hide and seek in cavern creeks,
Fly high above the ground.
But the bull in me says different.
Be stubborn and think much.
My heart surrounded by hard rock;
Only the ram in me can touch.
Struggle of Self [4/26/04]
Struggle of Self [4/26/04]
--------------------
Why do you do this?
Play mind games with me.
Whisper in my ear, scrape a hand across my back,
Implant horror in my every dream and thought.
I fight it every night, your cool poise and flaming desire.
Desire to cause pain and inflict deep branches in my skin.
But I grow ever so weak, my subconscious wanting, needing.
I hold onto truth, but oh! how tantalizing your world is!
Dying love, jumping cliffs, superior strength. . . imagine!
You paint my dreams so real, my subconscious draws nearer to it.
I try to run, but to no avail; how do you run from yourself?
My doppleganger laughs with pleasure at seeing me struggle.
Fight it! Fight it! Fight with your every being!
Won’t let it win, the darkness, enveloping me like storm waves
on a ship.
Wreckage! Oh it crashes down, survivors greatly injured!
Salvage your heart! For the gods sakes, I must salvage it.
--------------------
Why do you do this?
Play mind games with me.
Whisper in my ear, scrape a hand across my back,
Implant horror in my every dream and thought.
I fight it every night, your cool poise and flaming desire.
Desire to cause pain and inflict deep branches in my skin.
But I grow ever so weak, my subconscious wanting, needing.
I hold onto truth, but oh! how tantalizing your world is!
Dying love, jumping cliffs, superior strength. . . imagine!
You paint my dreams so real, my subconscious draws nearer to it.
I try to run, but to no avail; how do you run from yourself?
My doppleganger laughs with pleasure at seeing me struggle.
Fight it! Fight it! Fight with your every being!
Won’t let it win, the darkness, enveloping me like storm waves
on a ship.
Wreckage! Oh it crashes down, survivors greatly injured!
Salvage your heart! For the gods sakes, I must salvage it.
The Barrens
~The Barrens~
This barren land, once so green,
It’s rivers wrought to dry ravines,
From cove to cave this land’s a grave
To those the gods had failed to save.
An icy gale of August air,
Beats and barrels over the lair
Of a beast so hunch-backed, cowering,
It shies away from loud wind’s howling.
Covered with dirt, sealed by dirt.
But the gods hold the key to remove all it’s hurt.
Silverleaf bunches, patches of peacebloom,
And the briarthorn sheaf that hang down with gloom.
What could this land be, purged of plight
And hot desert sands? Battle this blight,
O battle this blight, the desert sand’s hot;
But don’t lose faith lest the green be forgot.
- after Hopkins
- Kat
This barren land, once so green,
It’s rivers wrought to dry ravines,
From cove to cave this land’s a grave
To those the gods had failed to save.
An icy gale of August air,
Beats and barrels over the lair
Of a beast so hunch-backed, cowering,
It shies away from loud wind’s howling.
Covered with dirt, sealed by dirt.
But the gods hold the key to remove all it’s hurt.
Silverleaf bunches, patches of peacebloom,
And the briarthorn sheaf that hang down with gloom.
What could this land be, purged of plight
And hot desert sands? Battle this blight,
O battle this blight, the desert sand’s hot;
But don’t lose faith lest the green be forgot.
- after Hopkins
- Kat
Silent Night
~Silent Night~
A pinwheel of death sails by, lacking its stem.
It’s free to kill and maim government dogs. Worms
And leeches crawl and beg to shadows. The moon
Glints off its silvered flesh and
Dances on lifeless eyes.
The pinwheel’s joined by souls made sharp
And a crimson spray tossed to the wind.
As before, so again– the night fell quiet.
- Kat
A pinwheel of death sails by, lacking its stem.
It’s free to kill and maim government dogs. Worms
And leeches crawl and beg to shadows. The moon
Glints off its silvered flesh and
Dances on lifeless eyes.
The pinwheel’s joined by souls made sharp
And a crimson spray tossed to the wind.
As before, so again– the night fell quiet.
- Kat
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