Not A Morning Person

it's the first time in a while I've been inspired to make a post. So here it is.

My mother seems determined to drag me out of bed before 10am everyday. She was even more determined Thursday morning. She woke me up and had me get out of bed to write her a check for my perscription sunglasses. I require at least 10 minutes, AT LEAST, preferrably half an hour, before I can fully function in the morning. Needless to say I didn't get any time to adjust from sleep to awake. I got up and wrote the check, and my mom left for the bank.

For about an hour after getting out of bed, I couldn't function properly. My hand was twitching, I couldn't move the right foot forward, and I was walking into things. I thought maybe changing from my glasses into contacts that I'd be more awake. So I went to do just that - to put in my contacts.

I got both contacts in successfully, but the left contact was making my eye irritated. I took it out and proceeded to rinse it off and clean it so I could put it back in my eye. At least, that's what I told my brain. Instead of turning to grab the contact solution behind me, I reached above the sink and pulled out my deodorant and removed the cap, then put the deodorant on my contact. When it touched, I realized my stupidity and let out a distressed yell.

I had to get a new pair of contacts and. . . well, end of story.
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Check in

I figured I might as well check in. Haven't done this in quite a while.

Nothing really going on. Lifeguarding. Hate the sun. Brats. Evil sun tan lotion. Too hot to sleep at night.

yeah... Mammoth soon ^^

Crunch Time

Finals are coming up... just next week. I have a poetry portfolio due tomorrow, and it's already past 4. I woke up not too long ago. ><

I'm addicted to World of Warcraft and facebook almost equally, and I can't seem to sit still long enough to work on what needs to get done.

But you know what? I kinda don't care. I know the portfolio will get done. And I just need to look through my lecture notes to find the answers to the questions for my philosophy final. The only thing I need to worry about is working on my essays for my last final for Fil Am Lit. And she gave us the questions... I just needs to come up with some ideas.

Special Olympics is coming up next weekend. It will be, I think, my tenth year. Then comes Anime Expo. Yeah!!
Then work... oh my... summer is speeding up as we know it. Oh... and Shannon's birthday... and mom's anniversary! So much to do and plan for...

But you know what...? Even though it doesn't feel like it...I think I have all the time in the world...

I've nothing to say today... I'm tired and I need to shower!

Lauren... says hi... "Hi"

Invisible Bars

I'm so disappointed with everything. Me. My life. Oh look, it's starting to make me sound like I'm emo. I'll apologize in advance.

I fell asleep and woke up feeling a deep sense of depression that rose out of the pit of my stomach like an monster rearing its ugly head and screaming bloody murder. I hate this feeling. it's like a roller coaster, and you don't have enough momentum to get over that next hill, so you get stuck at the bottom in between two of them. Unmoving.
I've no reason to cry, but it feels like I should have one. Nightmares? Grades not all As? People dying? Those reasons just don't fit. Yet here I am, depressed and contemplating. I can contemplate and not hit the subject of death, mind you. I know the two go hand and hand together sometimes, but just to make things clear... they're not paired this time.

I pondered this weekend. Meditated. Contemplated. Both relaxing and depressing, really. My mind freely wanders, but always goes back to depressing thoughts. If someone were to ask me if I was happy, how would I respond? I'd like to believe I'd say yes, but deep down I know that isn't what would come out.

I can believe all I want about fate and destiny and that things happen for a reason. But what if they have no reason? What if that fork fell off the table accidentally, for no purpose other than to fall off the table and make me wonder? What if I wore the green jacket instead of the grey jacket not because I was meant to but because I just randomly felt like it? What if... what if I have no purpose other than ... other than to be that random feeling... because someone felt like putting me here... what if that's my only purpose. . .?

I do so much volunteer work. So much fundraising. Bike rides, walks, dances, runs, hospitality meals, Special Olympics... they make me feel better about who I am. I'm helping. I want to help. But that feeling goes away soon. Why does this depression persist? Is it ... stronger? Am I just filled with more negative than positive?

I'm always telling myself about life being this huge ocean - we're all swimming in it. But I just float there. I'm not really sinking, but I'm not really swimming either. Stuck. Still. Not moving. Just floating. Why don't I move? What am I so indifferent? Why don't I really care?
If I really cared, wouldn't I be spending all my waking hours studying my ass off in some gods forsaken library or stuffy stale study room somewhere? Wouldn't I be exercising more, swimming, running, and going to the gym rather than spending hours in bed or in front of the computer on facebook? Wouldn't I be spending more time writing my novel so I can someday publish it instead of fooling around RPing with over four different RP groups?
If I really cared, wouldn't I be ... happier?

What happened to that smile I can see clearly in my pictures of when I was younger? Why did it disappear?

I wish I could ask for someone to talk to. I never could ask for help. I'm here stuck in this cage with its invisible bars. I just... I just wish there was someone who could bring the keys and let me ... out.

Pain and Lethargy

I got three hours of sleep last night - got up at 5 this morning. Turns out that the 10 mile bike ride was really more like 20... we had to bike to the actual starting line from my aunts house. >< But the breakfast from hell turned out to be okay... which in itself is a little weird and makes me wonder why it wasn't more hellish.

I picked up a video game at the mall with my cousin, since we were out there already, then had to run some errands for my mom - bread flour and milk from Albertsons. Then I was home. I ate food for an hour, flipped through one of my sister's girly magazines (I think it was Teen Vogue), then vacuumed. That was followed by a shower, then I went in my room and fell asleep.

I was rudely awakened when my parents kicked me out of bed and told me to change for church. Church! I'm pagan!!

So I had to go with them to church. I try to get out of it every week, but nothing has worked so far. Only that one time where I was extremely sick. They were probably afraid I'd puke on people or something. Then of course the days I went to the fair and wasn't back in time for church (purposely). But yeah >>.
I got back from church and fell asleep. My parents left for some party involving bingo and wrestling on pay per view. De La Hoya and some other guy. Apparently Hoya lost. Oh well. Anyways, my sisters woke me up not too long after, and I drove to my cousins. We spent 30 minutes arguing over what to do, then I drove to IHOP. We ate, and then we drove back.

Now I'm back home. And you know what? I'm gonna go fall asleep. Cause I know I'm gonna wake up early tomorrow to go to Farmers Market. It's something I enjoy doing, even if it is early. It reminds me of the middle ages when there were vendors and traders who bartered their goods in the markets. Plus, I get to help my mom pick out orchids ^^.

Okay... so ... sleep. Laters.

Regret

I was so psyched for two weeks about the bike ride... today... May 5th. Now the regret is moving in.

I'll have to wake up at 5:30-6:00am in order to be ready by 6:30. My aunt will pick me up, we'll load the bikes, then drive out to Arcadia. I think the marathon starts at 7:30. Anyways, we'll be biking for 10 miles in the cursed hot sun. Then I must endure the company of my 'aunt' over breakfast.

This 'aunt' isn't the one I'll be biking with, but another. One who isn't like by most of the family. Her children and husband went to my dad's mother's funeral (my grandmother), but she didn't. Also, when her own mother was dying, she was more concerned about buying and moving into a new house. I think what really tipped the bucket was when she claimed she needed money cause she was going to lose her job, and her husband was getting laid off. Her brother has mental handicaps, and gets money from the state. She wanted to sell the house (grandparents house) to get her share, which would give my uncle his share, but cut off his funds from the state. Basically she was willing to put her handicapped brother out on the streets.
My aunt, who I am biking with, went into her retirement money and bought my 'aunt's' share of the house so she could get the money.

That 'aunt' turned around and used the money to fix up her house and buy a new car. Needless to say, she nor her husband lost their jobs.

So she isn't liked. My other aunt doesn't seem to care that my 'aunt' did this, and acts like nothing happens. She's dragging me to breakfast at 'her' house and even made my sisters and cousin go. So ... not looking forward to that.

After the bike ride, I'll be really sore. I just know it. It's probably the farthest I've ever travelled... or will travel, for that matter. I'm sure I can make it, since I'm an endurance swimmer and all, but I hope I don't lag behind. Sure this is for a fundraiser, but I don't want to be like one of the last people to cross the finish. ><

>> I can't really think of anything else to blog about. I can say that my day consisted of making 30 sandwiches, taking cookies out of the oven, watching my sisters swim meet, and playing Soul Calibur III (and owning everyone with my ninja). That's basically it.

In the Beginning. . . There was Blog.

So... it's my first time ever having a blog. I don't count xanga, but I do have one of those... merely an outlet for stress and whatnot.

Today was a pretty bright day. Tickets sold out for the Spider Man 3 midnight showing, but I really didn't mind - I got to go home early.

My day began really hectic - woke up late, couldn't find the toothpaste, forgot my book and had to go back. . . but everything changed when I walked into my Filipina/o American Literature class. I was completely out of it, having had studied all night for a philosophy midterm, when I realized the person standing behind the podium wasn't our teacher. I thought to myself, 'it must be the author that's visiting today'.

He spoke on his book, "Talking to the Moon", which we read for class, and it was an amazing reading. I'd been to other signings or readings and author meets before, but I feel this was my favorite. It was very closed, more personal than if it had been in the bookstore or some other place on campus. The Anne Rice signing I went to was just a signing and pictures. Then there was the one I went to at the LA bookfair in 2006 for Stan Sakai - he just said hi and signed my books, drew some pictures. There was also the signing for Kazuo Ishiguro's Remains of the Day, but he just read from his book then signed.
Noel Alumit came off as an actual human being. He provided us with background, inspiration for his novel, and even answered questions.

I'd been writing stories for years now, probably as far back as sixth grade. One of my recent stories I was thinking of trying to get published, but I hadn't been inspired to write anymore of it in order to finish it. I was ready to give up. Noel Alumit's visit in class today gave me that motivation to start my story up again.

^^;; If you ever read this strange ramble of words, Noel Alumit, thank you for the inspiration.